Filed under: Uncategorized
PEOPLES OF THE INTERNET AND PEOPLES OF THE FREE CITIES! THE LEGION IS NEARLY FULL STRENGTH! WE ARE JUST THREE MORE LEGIONAIRRES AWAY FROM BEING STRONG ENOUGH TO TAKE ON A SMALL, INDEPENDENT NATION WITH SMALL GDP IN FISITCUFFED COMBAT! THE DUNKTOPUS COMMENDS ALL WHO HAVE JOINED UP THUS FAR, INCLUDING THE GREENE MAN OF KU HOOPS! HIS SACRIFICE TO THE DUNK LORD ON WEDNESDAYS WAS JUST AS PERFECT AS COULD HAVE BEEN ASKED FOR! SAVE FOR T
ARIK BLACK, THE HIGH PRIEST OF THE SEVENTEEN TENTACLES, WHO PUT A HAND ON ANY AND ALL BALLS THAT LOOKED AT HIM CROSSED LEGGY! HE IS THE TRUE LEADER, THE ONE TO MAKE THE DUNKTOPUS NAME KNOWN FAR AND WIDE!
BUT THE DUNKTOPUS DIGRESSES! THE LEGION IS ALMOST AT CAPACITY! PEOPLE, THERE IS ONLY A DAY, THEN ANOTHER, AND SOME HOURS LEFT TO JOIN AND FREE LONG DISTANTS JAYHAWKIST FROM HIS DUCT TAPE BONDS IN THE LOBBY OF HIS OWN PSEUDO-FAKED OFFICES! HE NEEDS TO BE FREED! IF YOU HAVE NO SHIRTS PENDING YOUR QUEUE, THEN I SUGGEST YOU PLEDGE ALLEGIANCE VIA SHIRT PURCHASE BEFORE THE DUNKIN’ AND FUNKIN’ AND FUNKIN’ AND DUNKIN’ LORD GRABS YOUR THROAT LIKE A RUNG ON A LADDER! A LADDER TO EMBARRASS DUNK RIGHT IN YOUR JAWBONE! IF YOU HAVE PURCHASED A SHIRT, SHOW THE ALLEGIANCE BY TELLING A FRIEND AND ANOTHER FRIEND TO JOIN THE LEGION! WE WILL BE STRONG! WE WILL BE LEGION!
WE WILL DUNK ALL OVER ANY AND ALL COMERS IN THE COMING TOURNAMENT! THE TOURNAMENT OF SHAME!
Filed under: Preview
Uh, the DUNKTOPUS has asked me to say a few things here, to let you all know that I’m alive, a little hungry and getting really tired of Billy Corgan’s voice. I wish I could give you a load of sarcastic asshole analysis, but I’ve been tied to a chair, listening to the entire Smashing Pumpkins catalog on my Beats. Really fucking loud. God…in hindsight, I would have made my first LDJ merch a “Just the Way Toupee Drew It Up” shirt with a diagram of the play that ended the last Texas Tech game. Okay, okay…jesus, DUNK, put the fucking cattle prod away. Anyway, the DUNK Lord wanted me to let you know that we’re so close to the Legionairre’s goal and he’s almost ready to let me go free. Just a few more pledges and this can all be over. Won’t you swear allegiance, just to spare me having to listen to all of “Pistachio Medley?” Once in a lifetime was more than enough. All it takes is just a few of you to buy in via shirt purchase and this screaming monster will let me free.
OKAY, SIMPLETON LONG DISTANTS JAYHAWKER! YES, SEE THE ABOVE IMAGE, TAKEN FROM AN UNDISCLOSED LOCATION! LIKE JIM MORRISON SAYS “THERE’S BLOOD IN THE STREETS, IT’S UP TO MY TENTACLES!” THE LEGION IS GORWING AND GROWING! TONIGHT, WE TAKE ON TEXAS TECH SHAME RAIDERS! REMEMBER THE LAST TIME YOU TUSSLED WITH THE DUNK LORD? YOU WERE SHAMED AT THE LAST MINUTE BY A LIONKILLERING’S KNEE CAP PASS TO WIGGINS FOR A FLOATER THAT DUNKTOPUS APPROVES OF ONLY FOR VICTORY, NEVER FOR FLOATERS THAT DON’T MAKE RECOIL OF THE RIM SHATTER THE INTERNAL ORGANS OF OPPONENTS! THE DUNKTOPUS DEMANDS SATISFACTION! THE DUNKTOPUS DEMANDS AT LEAST AN MID-SIZED EXCLAMATION POINT TO THE TENTH STRAIGHT TITLE!
THE DUNKTOPUS MUST HAVE THESE THINGS! THE LEGION KNOWS!
Filed under: Uncategorized
LADIES AND GENTLES, THIS IS YOUR DUNK LORD COMING TO YOU FROM THE TELETHON BUILDING OFFICES OF LONG DISTANT JAYHAWKIST! WE ARE HAVING A NIGHT OF STARS THAT TURNED INTO THE DAY YOU SEE SPREADING BEFORE YOU! AS YOU KNOW, WE ARE TRYING TO GROW THE LEGION OF THE DUNKTOPUS! WE MUST BE LEGION! AND YOU CAN CONTRIBUTE TO THE LEGION BY SWEARING FEALTY VIA PURCHASING A NIFTY DUNKTOPUS LEGION SHIRT! IT IS MADE OF FINE COTTONS AND WONDERFULLY HEAVY DUTY SCREEN PRINTING! WHILE THIS SHIRT WILL NOT GIVE THE ULTIMATE SATISFACTION OF HAVING YOUR ENEMY DRIVEN BEFORE YOU IN SHAME VIA THE POSTERIZING MOZGOV DUNKING AND FUNKING, IT WILL MAKE YOU AN OFFICIALLY SANCTIFIED MEMBER OF THE LEGION! IN ADDITIONALS, EACH NEW LEGIONNAIRE WILL HELP SET YOUR NARRATOR BLOGGER FREE! HE IS BEING AN A-SUB-OKAY PRISONER, COMPLAINING ABOUT NOT BEING FED PROPERLY! BUT YOU KNOW YOU WANT TO READ LESS OF THE DUNKTOPUS BECAUSE HE IS A PART OF YOU WITH YOUR SHIRT AND MORE OF THE ANALYZATION OF THE BASKETBALL THAT COMES FROM THE LD JAYHAWKIST!
DON’T HESITATE! GOD’S BASKETBALLS NEEDS YOUR HELP TO GET THE CONTEMPLATION WRITINGS IT NEEDS TO BE FUN! JOIN THE LEGION! YOUR DUNK LORD WILL THANK YOU WITH A TENTACLE JOB!
Filed under: Recap
[EDITOR'S NOTE - In case you were busy not tweeting or what have you over the weekend, I wanted to officially announce the first ever longdistancejayhawk.com merchandise Legion of the DUNKTOPUS t-shirt. Yes, that's right...I've jumped the shark! But in a good way! This high quality shirt features a seventeen armed monstrosity of DUNK-itude designed by yours truly. It's a celebration of all things DUNKTOPUS, which is either the awesomest thing I've ever come up with or just the LDJ version of Poochie. Support the blog by being a walking billboard! Because those things are priced at break even point, in case anyone was worried that I was trying to take the money and run or something. Seriously...go buy one today!]
Whatever you thought of the game on Saturday, in terms of the horrific camera angles, rest assured, I was having an infinitely worse time of it than you were. You see, I was watching those awful angles on a CRT TV that was maybe a third the size of my usual setup. It was brutal trying to make out who had the ball and what was actually happening. Also, at any given moment, I was only getting to see like a quarter of the court, making it harder to tell if we had a shooter in the close corner or if we’d just sent four guys out there to play.
Fuck, man, sending four guys out on the court probably would have been preferable. At least that way, had things ended the same way, it wouldn’t have felt quite so shit. I mean, if four guys had kept it close like that, we’d be singing the praises of such a heroic effort. Instead, we’re left with a whole bunch of “what could have been.” Like, “what could have been if we hadn’t played like shit?” “What could have been if we hadn’t played like shit and given us the false sense of hope since we never seemed truly out of it?” “What could have been had Marcus Smart not been the last person to touch the ball in this one, since he’s a loathsome human being full of factual inaccuracies and brass balls that are only endearing when they’re on you team?”
What could have…hang on, someone’s knocking on the door…
Hello? Oh, hey DUNK-lord, what’s up? Why are holding a rag? Jesus! IS THAT ETHER? FUCK, DUNK! JESUS, HELP!
LADIES AND GENTLES OF THE INTERNET! THE DUNKTOPUS IS TAKING OVER THIS BLOG BECAUSE YOUR HUMBLE NARRATOR HAS BECOME WEAK AND EXCUSES TOO MUCH OF THE WEAK FROM THIS TEAM!
ANDREW, TAPE HIM TO THE CHAIR! DON’T LET HIM MOVE! JAMES SET UP THE TELETHON BOARD OVER THERE! YES, THAT’S RIGHT! THE DUNKTOPUS HAS ARRIVED! HIS LEGION IS STRONG! HIS LEGION IS LEGION! HIS LEGION IS SPREADING HIS TENTACLES ALL OVER THE WORLD!
SATURDAY’S GAME WAS AN ABOMINATION OF THE HIGHEST ORDER! JUST ONE OFFERING TO THE DUNK LORD! UNACCEPTABLE! AND THE FACT THAT MARCUS SMARTCUS WAS DRIBBLING AS TIME WINDS DOWN IS A DISGRACE! OPPONENTS MUST BE VANQUISHED ON THEIR HOME COURT, SHOWN NO MERCY IN FRONT OF THE BABES AND CHILDREN IN ATTENDANCE! THEIR MEN SHOULD BE ENSLAVED, MARCHED IN A LINE TO BE DUNKED UPON FOREVER! LIKE THE SEVENTH CIRCLE OF DANTE’S INFERNO!
WE SHALL MAKE NO MORE EXCUSES FOR LACKS OF DUNKS AND FUNKS AND FUNKS AND DUNKS! THIS YEAR’S TEAM MUST LEARN TO PAY SACRIFICE IN HUMAN EMBARRASSMENT TO THE DUNKTOPUS! SO, UNTIL THE LEGION IS STRONG, I WILL HOLD YOUR NARRATOR HOSTAGE! IF YOU EVER WANT NON-SCREAMING, WHIP SMART ANALYSIS AGAIN, YOU WILL JOIN THE LEGION! YOU WILL SPREAD YOUR TENTACLES FAR AND FARTHER TO LET THE WORLD KNOW WHO YOUR DUNK-LORD IS! ALL I NEED IS TEN MORE LESIONS TO JOIN MY LEGION AND I WILL LET THE NARRATOR GO!
JOIN THE LEGION! JOIN THE DUNKTOPUS!
No love lost between us and this team. At all. Hopefully, we’re not overcome by the supposedly intimidating atmosphere of Gallagher-Iba. Shit, we play in Allen Fieldhouse after all. This has no basis in anything other than bad feelings about Toupee’s track record in that venue, but I feel like we’re going to lose. What do we have to play for other than making a play for the outright Conference title. OSU has more to gain and lose from this one. I feel like they’re rats on a sinking ship, backs against the wall, some other cliche about do-or-die. I think they’re dangerous and catching us at the right time to make a bullshit statement.
Of course, I’m Debbie Downer. DUNKTOPUS and I had the following IM exchange earlier today:
DUNKTOPUS: “DUNKTOPUS WANTS NOTHING MORE THAN TO DUNK ON SHORT PEOPLE! EMBARASS THEM TO THE POINT THAT THEY RETIRE! FROM LIFE! MARCUS SMARTUS IS PRIMED FOR SUPPREME DUNKAGE FROM YOUR DUNK LORD!”
ME: “I’ll be perfectly honest, DUNK-ster, that sounds an awful lot like suicide. That’s pretty fucking dark to say about a college basketball player.”
DUNKTOPUS: “YOU FAIL AT COMPREHENSIONS, SIMPLETON! DUNKTOPUS NEVER ADVOCATES SUICIDE! THOSE EMBARASSED BY THE DUNKTOPUS’ SEVENTEEN ARMS MUST MOVE TO A RETIREMENT COMMUNITY IN RURAL MONTANA! WITH KIDS WHO FAIL ON FIRST WORDS AT SCRIPPS SPELLING BEE! THEY LIVE IN A RETIREMENT COMMUNITY! A RETIREMENT COMMUNITY OF SHAME!
He never responded after that. But, you know, he’s like that. Always scheming new ways to embarrass people. Anyway, I don’t have confidence in tomorrow’s match. We could win, but I feel like we’re going to lose.
Filed under: Uncategorized
WELCOME TO THE REIGN OF THE DUNKTOPUS! THE DUNKTOPUS APPRECIATES KING COACH SELF’S IMPRESSIVE ACCOMPLISHMENT! BUT THE DUNKTOPUS HAS SEVENTEEN ARMS FOR CHAMPIONSHIPS! MORE THAN HALFWAY KING COACH! BUT DON’T BE SATISFIED! THE DUNKTOPUS HATCHES PLANS, PLANS FOR THE LEGION OF THE DUNKTOPUS TO RISE! RISE AND ADVOCATE FOR DUNKS AND FUNKS AND FUNKS AND DUNKS! MORE TARIK DUNKING ON MAN LIKE HE IS A TODDLER STUMBLING INTO PATH OF DUNKTOPUS!
REST OF CONFERENCE, IT’S FUTILE TO RESIST FOR THE REST OF ETERNITY AND ONE YEAR! THE DUNKTOPUS SHALL NOT BE DENIED! JOIN THE LEGION OF THE DUNKTOPUS! ENJOY THE JOY OF SEVENTEEN ARMS! ARMS TO DUNK FOR DAYS!
WELCOME AGAIN TO THE REIGN OF THE DUNKTOPUS! IT’S TIME TO GET DUNKIN’!
Filed under: Recap
Harold Ramis died yesterday. While I won’t pretend that he was some kind of scion or even a strong influence on my daily life. However, some of the more formative experiences of my life hinge on some of his work. Two things stick out specifically. First one is about Animal House. When I was a kid my parents were restrictively liberal with my comedic education. They drew the line at Stripes, but Animal House was one of my dad’s favorite movies. You couldn’t have stopped him from watching it at least once every other month. So, on Saturday nights sometimes, we would have family nights. Dad would make gumbo and we’d watch either Carolina basketball or Animal House. I know what you’re about to say. “That’s not appropriate for children!” But I can assure you that my parents weren’t quite as cavalier as they might seem at first blush.
They employed a sort of censoring, where they would get up and stand in front of the TV during the part at the toga party when there’s like 10 straight minutes of boobs. Sometimes, they’d fast forward through the devil saying “Fuck her…fuck her braaaains out” sometimes, they’d let it play. But they dutifully stood in front of the TV during that sequence1. Hell, they would tell us that, if the toga scene got to a certain point and they were out of the room, we were supposed to pause it and call them in. I hope I can be as cool as my parents when I have kids.
The other thing that Ramis did was more or less push me to studying English. Yeah, it’s a stretch, but I remember becoming obsessed with literature because Egon was fictional. When I first saw Ghostbusters II2, I thought Egon was the shit. So, for like two years, whenever people’d ask what I wanted to be when I grew up, I’d say a scientist. Of course, at some point I realized that science doesn’t involve a whole hell of a lot of ghost busting is more like staring at maggots for like 20 hours straight, and I decided that I wanted to be a writer. Because as a writer, I could just make up science and it would be a way, through fantasy, to live out my inner-Egon. So, thanks, Ramis, for pushing me down the path of fake writer.
If you’re a fan of these hallowed pages, in a way, you should thank Harold Ramis3.
Final Score: Oklahoma 75-83 Kansas
The Good: Give me a second to clear my throat…#DECADEOFDOMINANCE! YES, THAT’S RIGHT WE ARE THE GREATEST TEAM IN COLLEGE HOOPS! FOREVER AND EVER AMEN! THERE IS NO STOPPING US FROM CONTINUING TO MAKE THE BIG
XII X XII OUR OUTRIGHT WHIPPING BOY! EVEN WHEN WE PLAY LIKE HOT PIG SLOP, WE MANAGE TO WIN IT ALL! WOODEN CAN SPIN IN HIS GRAVE FOR ALL I CARE BECAUSE TOUPEE IS, IN THE WORDS OF DEPECHE MOTHERFUCKING MODE, MY OWN PERSONAL JESUS!
Give me a sec…I’m cuing that song up now…
Strangely, that might be more restrained than the stream of conscious tweets I was throwing out there in the wake of victory. Like this one:
Holly, you manx!
— c-bit (@longdistncejhwk) February 25, 2014
In response to ESPN cutting away to a slow-mo shot of Holly flexing Toupee’s rings like a boss. As if there wasn’t a game going on and I desperately needed to see Lionslayer standing on the outside of the huddle because he’s tall enough to see what’s going on without being in the huddle. Or this one:
Stop it, Twitter. I don’t trust us yet.
— c-bit (@longdistncejhwk) February 25, 2014
Because…you know…I mean, why borrow trouble? Or this guy:
Okay, now…now I feel okay saying it. #DECADEOFDOMINANCE MOTHERFUCKERS! ROCK CHALK ON THAT SHIT!
— c-bit (@longdistncejhwk) February 25, 2014
Exuberance, chummies. Exuberance. And this final one that, in my mind made sense, but doesn’t on a follow up read:
I live in a world where at least two of my cousins live in a world where Kansas has never not won the Big 12 in their lifetime.
— c-bit (@longdistncejhwk) February 25, 2014
I was called out for incoherence on that one. Rightfully, I suppose. Also, it might shock you all, but I take notes during games. Most of the time, they’re scrawled comments about individual possessions, but since I wasn’t able to sit down long enough to take serious notes, I came out of this game with just this to show for it:
Real talk, I don’t think I can be blamed for suffering a meltdown that was about six inches from full blown stroke because we needed to win this game, with Oklahoma State looming. We needed to win this to go down as one of the most insane, dominant, unprecedented, truly devastating decades in the history of college basketball. There’s no one that can hold a candle to what we’ve accomplished in these ten years. Think about some of the teams we’ve fielded and still managed to come out on top in the Big
XII X XII. I’m not saying we had a ton of stiffs in these years, but we’ve also had a few teams that were certainly question marks4. Yet, I never flagged. We put our faith in Toupee and he always delivered. Sometimes we shared the honor, but that’s just to be gentlemanly. We’ll always know who the real champ of a given year was5.
In Bill Self we trust.
The Bad: How can I delicately say this? We kind of played like crap for huge expanses of this one. Look, I’m not saying a team is going to go balls-to-the-walls for 40 minutes straight. But I like to imagine that I’m not watching a bookend game. One where we kick ass to start, mire ourselves in a steaming pile of flaming baby diapers for 16 minutes, then have Shape Shifting Lizard Man Eyes hit like 100 threes to end the half before turning it on in the last couple of minutes. It would be unrealistic to expect that much out of a team. However, a few minutes here and there, acceptable. Thirty-three minutes of total shit, though? That’s fucking hard to watch and doesn’t do much for my new-found desire to live past 356. So, yeah, I would like to see us dominate mostly end to end.
But that said, I mean…a Decade of Dominance? It’s really hard to argue with that. Sure, this team is one of the most frustrating, but I’m starting to come around to them. I’ve been hard on them in the past, but I’m also softening on the idea that they don’t care. They might not play hard all the time, but they still win for the most part. And when they come out in an important game like this one, you don’t feel like it’s out of reach. They knew the importance of the game and they rose to the occasion which could be a great sign for the future of this squad7.
Withering Bill Self Quote of the Night: Never one to rest on his laurels, Toupee drops truth bombs:
“In a league this competitive, thought by many to be the toughest league in the country, to have a three-game lead with three to play is pretty special.”
Man of the Match Award: This will come as a shock to those who skip the footnotes8, but there’s a single player that deserves this more than all the others. Lionslayers double-double gets honorable mention, as does Selden’s 15 with 3-5 from distance (including those incredible shots to cap the first that made me go all caps in my love of Shape Shifting Lizard Man Eyes). Those were good and nothing to sneeze at. But there’s one person on the squad that deserves it more than the rest. Sometimes, he’s under siege from people who don’t understand what he brings to the floor. Sometimes, he’s ass-passing to Mike Miller. Maybe I’m giving this to him for narrative, because narrative, in a game like this can be more important than efficiency, actual smart plays, good defense, and all the other shit that I usually look at. Yeah, it really is when you’re capping a Decade of Dominance and this is exactly what I want to hear from a player hitting that lofty height, fully aware that he is the point guard of motherfucking Kansas:
“Just a great feeling. To be at home, to hear the fans and all that, it’s a beautiful feeling. It just shows the tradition of Kansas and what it means to us.”
There’s nothing sweeter to me than rooting for a guy, sticking with him through ups and downs, and seeing him turn it on in possibly the most important game of his career. Naadir Tharpe, you are my Man of the Match.
Looking Ahead: Oklahoma State in Stillwater. I don’t even want to think about, but I’m compelling myself. State is fighting for the tourney lives with a returned Smart looking to quell any black marks on his draft stock and career history. He’s a great player, if too much of a gunner for my tastes, but he’s dangerous. Throw in Forte and Toupee’s history in Gallagher-Iba and I don’t think this is a cake walk by any stretch of the imagination. We could win by five or we could lose by 25. Anything’s possible, especially when a team like OSU is shifted firmly into rats-on-a-sinking-ship mode. I’m scared for the weekend, I’m scared for the game. We can win it, but I don’t know that we will. But if we did…to get that extra game? To make the tenth an outright? I don’t even want to talk about it. The emotions are way to raw right now.
1 – Which might have ended up backfiring on them, since that just meant I knew there was nudity in the movie, so naturally when I got to like 7th grade, I would always sneak our VHS copy of it out of the den and take it to the playroom. That way, my buddies and I could watch it. Obviously, we found it fucking hilarious, but, I mean…we were adolescent boys looking for boobs. I mean, we were so obsessed with boobs that my buddy E-Dogg and I noticed that there was a slight chance of boobs in Captain Ron9. If there was a whiff of a tit, we were going to the monitors until there was conclusive proof that there wasn’t. I pity the younger generation. They won’t have the joy of a having someone over to spend the night and hunting for the fleeting moment of a boob on grainy VHS. You type in “naked woman” in Google and you’re going to get a straight up education in all things fornication. Back
2 – Yes, I saw Ghostbusters II before I saw one. Let me tell you, that scene with the fucking nanny ghost kidnapping the baby to take it back to the Ally McBeal dude to give over to Vigo the Carpathian was the most terrifying thing I’ve ever seen. Still to this day I get freaked out just thinking about that ghost. God, it was terrifying. Back
3 – It should go without saying, but I wrote this intro before the game last night while watching the Knicks ultimately crap the bed against the Mavs10. I wanted to write about my personal experiences with Harold Ramis’ work and I knew that if I waited to write the memoirish intro it would have read something like “Aasg;ajgnasgkAS GASHGJahgg;ha;kfdgjfkajg bjg a;ghjaffb;a s ;sdajfgh;kja hgbfg;haj hashtagDECADEO#DOMINANCE TOUP EE IS THE GOD OF ALL FODS POSSIBLE!” I did it for you, reader. Back
4 – My opinions are well documented at this point, but for all the new readers (apologies, guys, I have a hard time not liberally peppering this shit with f-bombs), but 2008-09 and 2011-12 were probably the most shaky on paper, with 2006-07 worrying me because they were young and 2004-05 being shaky, but mostly in hindsight. But really, it’s just the two teams that saw us depleted by departures that were the most impressive teams out of the bunch. Back
5 – If you’re looking for some real analysis, I’ll give some quick thoughts. First 3-4 minutes we looked pumped up and locked in on execution, which is both of the things you want. The crowd was coming through loud and clear on TV. We just looked good and OU looked out of rhythm. It was an epic opening for an important night that was quickly dragged down by crap basketball. We started sub rotations earlier than expected and the guys coming off the bench seemed to want to match intensity, but they didn’t match execution. We pushed pace to 120mph, but all we had to show for it was a ton of double-teamed slashes that we steadfastly refused to kick and a cavalcade of terrible shots from just inside the arc. It was a tough watch until the last 1:15 or so of the first when we seemed to be getting a little of that opening magic back. It wasn’t until late, when Tharpapalooza went like 1991 Jane’s Addiction out there and ripped off his own rendition of the third movement of “Three Days”11 but hitting some big shots in the stretch and nailing FTs to seal the game for us. Look, he’s not the best guard we’ve ever had, but he’s one of my favorites. I know he does dumb shit like the ass-pass sometimes, but you cannot argue against a man that took it to the rack with three and change amidst a double team (which seems insane to reward a guy for since, you know, that shit was murdering us earlier, but such is basketball) and netting ten points in the 3:15 of the game. I mean, that’s what you want to see out of the junior leader. And I couldn’t be prouder12. He showed a fearlessness that I genuinely hope doesn’t dissipate anytime soon. Back
6 – I might be the only person that remembers this, but on the VHS collections of South Park, Matt and Trey would do these fireside chats before each episode, talking about the episode featuring a new dog each time. In the one where Stan’s grandfather wants to die, Trey said “That’s why I’ve asked my family to put a bullet in my head when I turn 30.” I used to say that all the time, even though I think it made my mom kind of sad. Now that I’m actually 30, I’ve upped it to 40. So, please don’t kill me in the interim, Jayhawks! Back
7 – I’d be remiss if I didn’t mention, hands down, the worst play of the season. Yes, my favorite Jayhawk, Tharpapalooza, a man that sealed this game for us in the stretch made one of the most laughably bad plays I’ve seen all year. I mean, what did he see there? Because on TV, that shit looked completely cut off before he even threw it at Spangler’s ass13. Earlier in the season, Tharpe was going bananas on those hilarious Paul-esque passes, but this one was totally ill-advised. Hell, even I wouldn’t have tried that. I can’t say he got cute because that would involve there perhaps being a chance that something good would have happened. No, that was just incredibly boneheaded. But all of that ineptitude was erased thanks to his ten point outburst in crunch time. You’re my favorite, man. Never change. Back
8 – Jesus, how long are these things without the footnotes? Like 500 words? How do you even know what I’m talking about half the time if you’re not digging through all the footnotes? And you call yourself a true fan. Back
9 – I can confirm that there’s a boob, straight up in the underrated and hilarious Captain Ron. Mostly because E-Dogg and I watched the scene where Martin Short and Mary Kay Place get locked in the shower in slow-mo for probably 30 minutes trying to pinpoint it. It’s there. And I can further confirm, thanks to watching it in hi-def with ‘rentals over the summer and seeing it. Of course, what E-Dogg and I saw was grainy and barely rated as a nipple outside of our pubescent imaginations, but…my god…in hi-def, it’s like right fucking there. Just a straight up inadvertent nipple. Another fun fact about Captain Ron: Paul Anka was the boat broker. I could go on about Kurt Russel’s performance and how it’s either Snake Plisken high or it’s the basis for Johnny Depps Jack Sparrow, but I’ve probably already lost you. Moving on… Back
10 – If you haven’t seen it yet, do yourself a favor and check out the final Dikuscircus shot from the game. It’s absolutely hilarious and probably the most Knicks thing that could happen to the poor, beleagured franchise short of Melo actually killing James Dolan. You know, instead of Looney Toons fans threatening it on Twitter. And in case you were wondering, yes, I flipped over for it as it happened. I needed something to take the edge off that wasn’t a heavy sedative (note: it didn’t really work). Back
11 – Too many footnotes to footnotes, I know, but if you’re too young to get the reference, the closing section of Jane’s Addiction’s “Three Days” is absolutely incredible. Most of their catalog is pretty incredible, but that passage is pretty close to perfect. Look it up on Spotify. Anyway, back in 1991, Jane’s were at the top of their game and that song tore the house down every night. Not that I was like hip to them till like five years later, but I’ve seen bootleg videos. Sixth grade me probably would have cried like a little girl on the last day of camp if I’d seen that shit live back in ’91. Back
12 – My buddy texted me after the ass-pass to tell me that “My boy needed to stop being a fucking idiot and lead” (edited from the original, most definitely sexist comment). As if I could get call down to the sidelines and sort that shit out…but I didn’t have to because Tharpapalooza rewarded my faith. Yet again. I’m pretty sure that’ll be the subtitle of my inevitable ebook on this season. Back
13 – Speaking of whom, of course he played for Gonzaga. There’s no love lost for me with the BullZags because I feel like, year after year, they’re given more than enough rope to hang themselves, but has there ever been a guy that, when Fran and Brent14 talk about how he transferred from Gonzaga, you’re not shocked at all? He looks like Mike Miller, in a bad way. And given the Zag’s love of awkward, ultra-sweaty white guys, it totally makes sense. Back
14 – Brent calling that late trey by OU a “BIG SHOT! *soundofejaculation*” was the funniest thing I’ve heard in a while. Was it because the line was KU -11? Did you just want OU to cover, Mussy? Tell us true. Back