Filed under: Recap | Tags: Andrew Wiggins, Battle of Antietam, Bill Self, Billy Donovan, Florida, kansas, New Mexico, Wiggins
Fucking shit. Brutal.
Final Score: Kansas 61-67 Florida
The Good: We managed to score an underwhelming 61 points, which is pretty great, considering we turned the ball over 24 fucking times. Losing by a scan six points has to be a victory when taken in this context. On a serious note, we shot 42.1% as team from beyond the arc which, sadly, is probably a season high.
The Bad: We turned the ball over 24 fucking times and managed to score a really, really shitty 24 points. I’m glad I went to the Nets game. This one looked like a non-stop cockpunch.
Withering Bill Self Quote of the Night: Toupee’s done with the backhanded compliments and smirking “fuck yous.”
“We’ve got to get everyone playing together. I can’t blame it all on youth…A lot of it may be youth, but I think we can still play better individually.”
He’s spraying straight napalm.
JCTD Award: No one deserves this award. No one. If someone were to get it, it’d be Wiggins, but I hate glory hogs jacking up 26 points when the rest of the team thinks the way to score is to hand the ball over to the other team.
Looking Ahead: The Lobos of New Mexico. I have no faith, no confidence right now. Thanks for leaving that like a tattered American flag after the Battle of Antietam, guys.
Filed under: Preview | Tags: Billy Donovan, Colorado, Florida, Florida Gators, James Harden, kansas, Ricky Rubio, University of Florida
Yeah, I know. I said nothing about Saturday’s historic game against the goddamned Buffalos. I mean, what is there to say? Personally, I didn’t think we ever looked good enough long enough to deserve to win the game. We had stretches where we looked good, so I’m not saying it was a total shitshow. This wasn’t TCU last year. That would be unfair. But there were stretches of the game where it seemed like ball movement wasn’t top priority, like we didn’t really know what to do to actually execute against Colorado’s defensive scheme. It was bad. Really bad. Alex understands basketball enough to enjoy watching it1, but not always on top of noticing things like “We’re not moving the fucking ball.” So, the fact that she said those words, then added “I don’t think this year’s team is as fun to watch as the last two” should probably tell you something about the game.
Now, I don’t think I’m going to go that far. I can’t, for obvious reasons. I mean, the Bahamas didn’t help that perception. And we did look better than we did during that three game torture fest. So, there’s some positive. But to lose like that on? On a time expiring three from like 45 feet away? That fucking sucks. But here’s the thing: if we’d played better throughout the game and killed them like we should have2, then we wouldn’t have been put into an impossible situation. That’s what that last play was: an impossible situation. What the fuck are you supposed to do in that situation? You can’t foul, for obvious reasons and you can only put up a symbolic defense consisting primarily of putting a hand in the guy’s face. So, you really have no options.
A fucking asshole can’t hit a three pointer from the parking lot every day, as my grandmother used to always say3.
Official Name: The University of Florida
Nickname: The Gators
Derisive Nickname: The Bayou Billys4
Signature Win: I’m guessing that beating Florida State’s been the highlight of their season, since they’ve yet to beat any ranked teams. In two contests with ranked opponents, they’ve dropped one each to Wisconsin and UCONN. Both looked close, though, so they might actually be decent, just unlucky. But I don’t buy it. I think they’re probably crappy because Billy Donovan is the worst coach in college hoops. Dude wins two titles with Jaokim Noah5 and they pony up the GDP of all of Europe to keep the motherfucker. He became the highest paid head coach, which pissed me off for some reason. So, imagine my schadenfeude when he didn’t make the tourney for two years. Oh, lord, I crowed from the mountaintops about how great that was.
OF course, he’s back to his winning ways and probably looking for his first win over a ranked team. We’re reeling (hopefully), so I don’t know. I think we can win. But it would be just my fucking luck that shit heel beats us6.
Keys to Victory: Play like we have some pride and destroy this team. Remember, this is a man that I hate. Do it for me, Hawks! DO IT FOR ME!
Delicious Local (to the enemy) Beer to Avoid: Florida doesn’t have beer. Because they’re pure, unadulterated evil. I bet the best beer in that crappy ass state is like Budweiser since there’s probably a brewing facility down there.
Lion Slayer vs. a gator: I think Embiid has the edge. I think. It all has to do with how ruthless he wants to be. The gator’s danger is in the immediacy of murder. That thing gets jaws on you, you’re either having your rib cage snapped or he’s shaking your ass until you’re totally brain damaged. Now, I bet Embiid would never bring a gun to a gator fight, instead opting for a Braveheart sized bastard sword. Yeah, that’s right…get the range on him.
Completely Mathematically Accurate Projection (Backed Up By Science): I’m not even going to write anything. Because I don’t want to think about what’s actually going to happen. Okay, I’m just fucking around. This is a “fuck you, we’re awesome” game. Kansas 101-77 Florida.
1 – At least that’s what she says to keep me happy. I definitely subject her to a lot more hoops than is probably acceptable. It’s so bad that I don’t think there’s anything wrong with saying “Babe, is it cool if we watch this Bucks game? It starts at 10:30 and I don’t really care what happens, but they’re playing the Kings…yes, I know. We saw the Kings last year. No, they’re not better. Really, they’re not. But…I don’t know…Cousins might snap and stab Benji McDunks with a broken clipboard… Okay, if that doesn’t happen, I’ll take you out to a nice dinner. What channel is NBATV on your cable box?” Yeah, I’m bad. And unapologetically so. Back
2 – And believe me, we should have killed them. We own those fuckers. Own them. We’ve lost like twice in 22 years (1991 and 1997, if I’m not mistaken). I wish I’d screen capped it when they were still in the Big
XII X XII, but on Toupee’s wiki page, there used to be a table that showed his record against certain teams. Colorado was truly glorious to behold. So, so much dominance. Back
3 – One side note: the ex-pats and I went to SNAP in Manhattan for this one. I felt fine with the choice, despite pricey beers and a pushy owner that seemed hell bent on getting us into the back room because I figured we’d cruise through that matchup and I wouldn’t have a negative association with that place. Well, you can rest assured that, until proven otherwise, I will always assume that place has bad juju going on. Back
4 – I wasn’t entirely sure how to spell it. On the one hand, I want it to double as a reference to my least favorite coach in college hoops, Billy Donovan. I also like that it references classic NES game Bayou Billy. Though, I’m pretty sure it should be “billies.” Eh, eff it. Let’s chalk this one up to editorial direction. Back
5 – Despite my jealousy that Alex consider Joakim one of her NBA crushes (along with Ricky Rubio and James Harden), I do think he’s hilarious. Pretty much any post on Deadspin that includes his name in the headline is probably going to be the best thing you see all week. Like his addition to the Bluth Family chicken dance when running out during intros this summer. Never change, Joakim. Back
6 – So much so that I’m actually going to the Celtics/Nets game tonight. Kidding! I really thought about not going to the Nets game, but I kind of want to be there in the event that Williams’ ankle blows up yet again and my team runs Tyshawn for like 44 minutes and they manage to get some kind of karmic retribution for the red ass beatdown the Knicks gave them last week (the Knicks killed the Nets, the Celtics killed the Knicks, the circle must be completed). Also, I’m curious to see whether or not the Nets play with an intensity, knowing that the Celtics have clearly realized that they can win the Atlantic, make the playoffs and still probably end up with a top five pick. It’s fucking genius! Thanks, Billy King! Back
Filed under: Preview | Tags: Colorado, Colorado State University, Danny Brown, Dizzee Rascal, Fort Collins Colorado, Francis Mason, New Belgium, Warrior
Let’s get this out of the way: I’m glad Det. Francis Mason, Renegade Cop is getting the start tomorrow. I’m not glad that it’s coming at the expense of our stylish Tharpapalooza. Naadir, buddy, I’ll take the heat for this one. I’m guessing that you being the lead in the God’s Warrior series is what did you in. I’m sorry.
But let’s not mourn for Tharpe. Nay, let’s be excited about Mason starting tomorrow and the fact that he’s actually a scoring threat1.
Signature Win: Harvard? Air Force? Colorado State? Fuck, this would have been easier if these Kush Comas2 had managed to knock off Baylor. Good job, assholes. You’re making my job fucking difficult.
Key Players: Din-din-dinwiddie! I couldn’t pick this kid out of a lineup3, but he’s their leading scorer and assist man. I’m looking forward to an epic guard battle between the renegade cop and Dinwiddie.
Keys to Victory: Mason being able to translate his performance so far this season to a larger role and more minutes. I have a feeling he’ll be great in the starting role, though, I do wonder if there isn’t a better opportunity for him to get burn as a starter later in the schedule. Colorado could be good, based on their record. Or they could be bad since they’ve lost their toughest game to date. Checking schedule…okay, yeah, this is the right time to try him out.
Delicious Local (to the enemy) Beer to Avoid: Anything in the New Belgium family. Yeah, I know New Belgium is actually in Fort Collins, but Fort Collins is close enough4. As most of you are probably aware, New Belgium’s flagship beer is Fat Tire. While that’s certainly delicious, I was always a fan of the 1554. It’s a black ale, similar to Shiner Black, but a little less sharp tasting. It’s the kind of beer that you might be tempted to imbibe thanks to the freezing ass weather. Whatever you do, do not enjoy that beer!
Lion Slayer vs. a Buffalo: No question: JoJo would win. Quickly and easily. You see, buffaloes have horns, which are easy enough to grasp when your hands are the size of a 72-oz. filet. Once he’s grabbed the horns, a quick flick of the wrist will snap the buaffalo’s head clean off. Then, it’s on to the next animal battle.
Completely Mathematically Accurate Projection (Backed Up By Science)5: Kansas 83-79 Colorado
1 – Unlike some other people we’ve put at the point so far this season. Back
2 – Speaking of…has anyone else listened to the new Danny Brown record Old? I’ve been listening to it pretty much non-stop the last two weeks. That thing is incredible. If you’re a fan of shit like 2 Live Crew, Dizzee Rascal, and drugs (lots and lots and lots of drugs), this shit’s right up your alley. Fucking love this record. The last two tracks, “Kush Coma” and “Float On,” are excellent, especially since they tie the album together. Throughout there’s a sort of tiredness (side a) to the narrative, not in delivery but in tiredness of life. Which is counterpointed by side b. Savagely and mercilessly. Yet, even though side b is nothing but drugs, sex, and dirty clubs, the beats have a sinister quality that generates so much anxiety, you start to worry that Danny’s just going to keel over in the booth. Fuck, such a great record. Back
3 – I freely admit that I should know since he was part of the shellacking we handed the Weedaloes last season at the Fieldhouse. Back
4 – While there are breweries in Boulder, I looked at the list and I don’t think I’ve tried any of them. So, in an effort to stay honest, I’m going to only talk about beers I have tried. Back
5 – Nope. Back
Filed under: Player Profile
Here it is, part three of the God’s Warrior series, Long Distance Jayhawk’s in-depth examination of as many players as I can find legit things to say before I breakdown and lump them all into a bench post. If you’re not caught up with the previous installments, you’re in luck. You can catch Tharpapalooza and Ellis before moving on to today’s subject: wunderkind Andrew Wiggins.
Hometown: Vaughan, Ontario, Canada
Nicknames: Maple Jordan1
Tattoos: Seems to be 0, but I’m sure that’ll change soon enough
Pros: intimate familiarity with real maple syrup has done nothing to turn him into the Great North’s Gravey Boat
Cons: he cut his hair and I kind of like the look, precut2
Gather round, children and allow me a moment to tell you the legend of Maple Jordan. Some say that he was the love child of the one and only Michael Jordan and a maple tree. Others claim that he was harvested from the snow, fully formed as the man he is today. We might not know where he came from, but we know that he was meant for one thing: greatness. The kind of greatness reserved for others from the northern corridor, those like Paul Bunyan who could destroy a forest faster than the paper industry in their heyday. Yes, Maple Jordan’s destiny was to be the most important freshman in the history of freshman. He was built to play hoops.
Maple Jordan appeared on the ESPN100, a way that random people arbitrarily evaluated basketball talent and ranked them without any real rhyme or reason, which lead to a hot recruiting push from various suitors, all drooling to get just a few fleeting moments of his sweet sap on their home court. For Maple Jordan was not destined for the world of fifth or, hell, fourth, year senior. No, his destiny was to clash with the titans of the cabal known as the Association. He would be there, but only for one year of majesty before heading to that Valhala.
So, when the mighty Maple Jordan chose God’s Team, destiny was set. Expectations were sky high. Nothing short of playing so well in an evisceration of Kentucky in the title that we were allowed to take the 8th seed in the East and romp to a seven-game series against the Heat before moving on to the jackal’s mouth known then as the Spurs, would suffice. Maple graced the cover of every magazine in the country-
Yes, Billy, I mean real magazines, those made with dead trees. This was before we moved to Mars. Now, magazines are just downloaded into our brains, but back then, we were able to hold a completely over the top Sports Illustrated cover showing Lady Slayer Wilt and Danny the motherfucking Miracle. These were heady times.
Where was I? Ah, yes, the magazine covers. Maple’s expectations were so high that it seemed like he was more likely to follow in the footsteps of the previous hyperbole-hyped Frosh, the Black Falcon. But now, Maple impressed. And Maple destroyed. And Maple developed into a soft-spoken assassin, shedding his alleged father’s hubris. He managed to beat Missouri in a game that Missouri didn’t even know they were supposed to play. He mauled them, one-on-five, so badly that they stopped playing ball all together.
Maple was a force of nature. Maple made good on all the promise from his mysterious past and his mysterious ability to kill it at basketball. Maple did all the things that a loyal (possibly to a fault) fanbase wanted before he moved on to do battle with the men. I won’t go into specifics, because I don’t want to fill your heads with stories faulty with memory. Just know that the one year he put in for God’s Team was a great one. And the next time you take a space capsule back to Scorched Earth to check out the Fieldhouse, look in the Jayhawks’ eye for a little bit of maple. I hear it’s still there.
1 – Quick programming note: I didn’t come up with this name. He came ready made with it. Since I don’t know of a better way to describe him, we’re just going to go with it. Back
2 – I wanted to say that he looks kind of like Paul Pierce on the court. Paul Pierce now. Which wasn’t a compliment3. In the first couple of games I watched, Wiggins showed intense flashes of brilliance, supreme athleticism that made it clear he’s just faster and better than everyone…when he felt like showing that he’s faster and better. For the most part, he seemed content to stand on the wing and wait for something to come to him. It was frustrating, especially when I saw Jabari Parker during the Duke game. Parker just looked like he was trying to get buckets while Wiggins didn’t seem to know how to work off the ball and create his own shot. I chalk it up to the fact that he was so much better than everyone in high school that he didn’t create his shot because his mere presence created it. I felt like he worked harder in the Bahamas, but I’m not 100% sure if that was me looking for anything to make me feel like we had something good going in those brutal games. I’m going to reserve my judgement on him until later in the season, but just know that I want to see more movement out of him. Back
3 – And this is coming from someone who irrationally loves PP. Despite his age and all that, I was amped that he came to BK to the point that I proudly own a Geeked Up Pierce shirt. It’s just that watching him stand on the wing and hodl his shorts for 20 seconds before moving five feet or catch and shooting can get maddening. Move, Paul! You’re not still in that wheelchair! Back
Filed under: Christmas Time! | Tags: Allen Fieldhouse, Big Jay, Chester Cheetah, Jayhawk, Jimmy Johns, Serge Ibaka, University of Kansas, YouTube
It’s ho ho ho time, chummies and chumettes! I, for one, am absolutely excited about the changing weather, the possibility of snow, and the joy of watching God’s Team continue their campaign against the infidels while holed up in my favorite KU watering holes. Especially those with fire places. The fire place…it really makes you feel like you’re home, even though I’ve never once had a fireplace in my entire life. But that’s not even the best part. No, the best part is that I get to bring you the annual Jayhawk Holiday Shopping Guide!
If you’ve never seen the previous installments, you can peep them here and here. I’m not sure why, but I managed to forget to make one in 2011, so I’m not burying that one or something. Maybe I was really drunk. Maybe I just had a lot of shit going on. Honestly, I don’t remember why I missed it. Probably that it was always on my To Do list and it just kept getting pushed back for things like “go to a Manhattan bar for the late-ass West Coast NBA game? Yes, please!” or “fuck it, I’m too lazy to do that.” But never fear, 2013 is a new year and with it comes the somewhat-annual shopping guide.
While I was down in NC visiting the parentals, I did research to find the best, most ridiculous shit that has been branded in God’s Colors. Believe me, there’s a lot of it. Like eons of it. So, you don’t have to wade through the drek to find the goods, I’ve done the heavy lifting1. Sit back, relax and let me find the perfect gift for that hard to shop for Jayhawk in your life.
According to the description of this NYTimes best seller2, we get to “follow Big Jay around the campus of the University of Kansas.” It seems like an odd way to say that we get the lowdown on the best order to bar crawl down Mass St. en route to Allen Fieldhouse. Big Jay offers up tons of tips like “Replay open first, which is great for cheap PBRs and pinball. But don’t get distracted by the machines for more than a couple minutes. We got shit to do!” and “Jimmy Johns will deliver to Burger Stand, which seems like a big middle finger to local cuisine, but who am I to argue? I’m just a giant mythical bird!” While Big Jay’s advice on where to go and how to keep your eyes on the prize is great, the highlight of the book is, hands down, the tear out map that shows what every bar’s specials are by day. Like the Boy Scouts always say, “Be prepared.”
For your literate Jayhawk fan who doesn’t mind a little sanitizing of past player’s quotes
Beyond the Phog is, actually, a great read. It’s a little on the long side, sure, but it flies by. Mostly because there’s a lot of repetition about how fucking hard these guys worked. Unless you’re Gravey Boat, in which case work was sleeping through your alarm or eating 15 cheeseburgers as an abdominal exercise. I enjoyed being reminded of some of the past players. hopefully, you’re as familiar with rap music as I am because, let me tell you something, there’s no way these guys were quoted warmly and accurately throughout. Mario Chalmers looks like the kind of cussing artiste that his quotes come of sounding like Mr. Rogers. And Kirk Hinrich? The UDK used to sanitize his quotes to the point of it coming off like he was a Little Rascal. Keep in mind, this motherfucker was very much rumored to cheat on his girlfriend but didn’t consider it as such since he didn’t kiss the Jersey Chasers. Yeah, I’m pretty sure he talks like a minister.
For the former sorority sister that no one really liked, but you can’t totally get rid of her because, you know, that’s just rude
Seriously, this thing is the fucking creepiest. It looks like one of those animals in the iPhone apps that you record your voice, then it pitch shifts it to some kind of castrated demon voice. I’m pretty sure if I got this guy as a gift, I’d assume that the person giving it was planning on killing me. I’m pretty sure I would never be able to masturbate if this thing were in a 15 mile radius of me3.
For the Jayhawk in your life who lives by the credo “Never Graduate” and gets misty eyed anytime they think of what we lost when Mizzou ran away rather than continue to get spanked by God’s Team
This ornament is everything great about our rivalry, down to the fact that whoever designed it might have been a big fan of Calvin and Hobbes. Or maybe Chester Cheetah. Anyway, seeing this ornament made the dust rise up something fierce and I had to go find YouTube clips of the final Mizzou game at Allen Fieldhouse. I kept hoping that I would run into a Tiger in my travels, just so I could talk about how great that final game was. But then, I remembered that Missouri fans don’t leave the meth addled confines of their crazy state. Oh, well. At least we have this ornament.
For the Jayhawk who loves Japanese characters who were birthed from an egg, just like Baby Jay!
Domo! In a shirt! A Jayhawk shirt! I think my work here is done.
1 – I pulled a full list of like 20 items, then whittled it down to 9. Above, you’re going to see the best five but allow me a moment to give a quick rundown of what didn’t make the cut: this KU piggy bank which looks so fucking pissed that I almost included it, lest it come back to haunt my nightmares; this KU hand puppet, which I wanted to call a dick caddy but logistically, you’d have to be hung like Serge Ibaka for that joke to work; this Jayhawk lip balm which I cut because, as funny as victory beej joke might be, that’s about as far as you can go with that thing; this Beware the Phog Banner because, come on…8″x34″? Call me when that shit’s 8′x34′. Back
2 – It’s a pretty short list, but they do keep track of Best Jayhawks Kids Books. Scouts honor. What? You don’t believe me? Back
3 – I almost labeled this as a gift for the kid in your life that was getting ready to enter puberty but you want to get another year of innocence before YouPorn ruins them for life. Which is evident in the caption. But I thought better of it since that’s just weird for you to be thinking about, you pervert. Back
Filed under: Player Profile
Welcome to part two of question mark pieces in the 2013-14 God’s Warrior series. As with previous installments, this totally rad, all-true series turns the spotlight to those young men charging bravely into battle against the teeming masses of Demons, Cowboys, Sooners, and Longhorns trying to take away what is rightfully ours: victories. If you haven’t peeped that shit yet, head on over to part one covering Tharpapalooza. And now, without further ado, Perry Ellis, the Gentleman Tailor.
Pros: Super consistency; nice development in his Sophomore season
Cons: Receding hairline makes him seem like 34 is his age, rather than his number
Yep, the season is young and we don’t know a hell of a lot about this year’s crop of Jayhawks, especially since so many of our key cogs are Freshmen. Outside of Tharpapalooza, Ellis is the longest tenured Warrior of import1. Which is why this season has been such a thrill, seven games in, with regards to the Gentleman Tailor. Ellis looked good last season, though I always thought he looked a little stiff. Not like a stiff, just stiff. Like he had a stick shoved so far up his ass, it was next to impossible for him to get even the slightest shoulder down into guys when he went inside. It wasn’t painful to watch, but it also didn’t bring to mind any of the physically bruising interior guys’ we’ve had during Toupee’s tenure2.
Which is why watching his development into this season great. I love that he’s turning into a great interior guy, ready to fuck up people inside. Throw in the fact that his confidence with ball handling and knowing when to shoot and he’s been my favorite player to watch this season3. And I don’t think he’s done growing before our eyes. Which might actually be the biggest travesty here. I know that Maple Jordan and the Lion Slayer are probably gone after this season, but I’m 99.9% sure Ellis is going too. That sucks because of the strides Burrito Killah and MC Double-Deuce made in their third years. No one can convince me that it wouldn’t be great to see a third year from P-Ellz. God…what we couldn’t do with him killing people inside. Assuming that we actually got some outside shooting.
Beyond the expansion of his game to include more physical play and, honestly, more crouching, is the Gentleman Tailor’s on-court demeanor. This guy is unflappable. Maybe it’s the fact that he’s got the receding hairline of a soccer dad, but he seems like nothing phases him. Thirty point explosion? Stone face. Gets blocked fifteen times and only nets three? Nothing. His family executed at center court? One single tear that you can’t see. The man is even keeled, possibly to the point of boring. Like career middle management boring where the biggest thing to happen in his life is a business trip to KC. Which reminds me, could you guys be quiet? Perry’s got a pretty important meeting in the morning about a TPS report and he wants to make sure he’s well rested. Thanks, guys!
Yeah, that kind of boring. But there’s nothing boring about averaging 15.1 points so far this season and being the most fun guy on the court to watch4. So, let’s enjoy this (most likely) final season with the Gentleman Tailor. It might be too short, but it’ll be fun.
1 – Obviously, Tarik Black is older and has more collegiate experience than pretty much anyone on the roster, but much like the ballyhooed crop of super Frosh we pulled in this season, he’s new to the team. Thus, he can’t be considered to have a lot of tenure and sway on the team, outside of his older/wiser combo that lets him tell everyone that there’s no way Embiid actually killed a lion. Back
2 – Compared to the Morrii or Junior year T-Rob, Ellis looked like he was playing in a rec league game after taking five years off since high school. The skills were there, but he didn’t seem to be into the whole beat up on the opponents thing. Back
3 – A minor distinction from favorite player. Because everything about Tharpe is great. Dude’s like the coolest person we’ve ever had at KU. I want to hang out with him. I want to have him help me pick out clothes. I want to be Naadir. Is that weird? Probably…so let’s just move on. Back
4 – As I’m writing this, I realize that I don’t know anything about the man’s personal life. He’s a steel trap of no nuggets, no factoids. What do we know about him? He’s from Wichita. That’s it. In fact, the best fact I can come up with is completely made up: between Ellis and Frankamp, it’s obvious that the water supply of Wichita is pumped so full of testosterone that it’s impossible to maintain a full head of hair, post-puberty. I don’t know if he has any children (unlike certain players, past and present). Hell, I don’t know if he even has parents. For all I know, motherfucker might have just sprung forth from the earth, fully grown and ready to become the Michael Jordan of Kansas high school hoops. I dare anyone to prove me wrong. I fucking dare you! Back
Filed under: Recap | Tags: Allen Fieldhouse, Bahamas, Battle 4 Atlantis, Three-point field goal, University of Texas at El Paso, UTEP, Villanova, Villanova University
Thank god that’s over. The Battle 4 Atlantis might as well have been called Battle 4 Most Boring Basketball. Seriously, what the hell was I watching? Villanova went six minutes and forty-seven seconds without a field goal before coming back to upset God’s Team1. Following that, I was treated to the first 4:16 of the UTEP game that reminded me a bit of the first TCU game from last season, save for the fact that both teams seemed to not give a solitary shit about scoring. My god, it was brutal.
So brutal that, and I hate to admit this, I fell asleep during the Nova game and had to watch it on DVR the next morning. I actually fell asleep during the UTEP game and, thanks to an early flight the following morning, I only caught the first half. I don’t know why we have to play in these horrific venues where it’s somehow impossible for teams to score, but there’s clearly an allure for the venues and alums who get to say “fuck it” to their families and go to some warmer clime and watch some horrific basketball. If the NCAA is serious about increasing scoring2, they should stop this shit with discotheque facilities.
I wish I had more to say. I wish I’d been able to force myself to stay awake during the UTEP game, just to have something to say that doesn’t involve interpreting box scores3. But that’s what happens when you’re old and the product in front of you is about an inch away from unwatchable.
At least we’re coming out of it with two wins and we get to head out to Allen Fieldhouse West on the weekend for what should be an entertaining contest against a feisty Colorado Buffalos team. I miss playing those guys, mostly because I love the fact that we absolutely owned the shit out of that team while they were in the Big
XII X XII.
1 – I can’t tell if Nova is good or we’re just terrible when we play in a casino. I mean, the Wildcats seriously went forever without actually hitting a bucket. To that point, it was the most brutal thing I’ve ever seen. Also, I hate that it is considered an upset, but I guess when it’s #2 versus an unranked team, that counts. Back
2 – Which I guess is happening, but not in a way that resembles a more entertaining game. So many foul calls and FT shots will increase scores, I guess, but do we really need to see a combined 104 attempts from the charity stripe to get there? I, for one, would love to sacrifice so many FTs for seeing, you know, more basketball. Back
3 – Because the story of the weekend is clearly our three-point shooting. We notched 20%, 18.2%, and a absolutely staggering (in comparison) 26.3% against Wake, Nova, and UTEP, respectively. That’s a joke. I’m not looking for anything world-beating, but it would be nice to crack 30% more often than like once in seven games. Technically, we could win a title without outside shooting, but it would take a lot of luck. I’d love to blame the poor perimeter shooting on the crap arena, but let’s be honest. We shoot like shit from distance no matter where we’re playing. Back